I have written this post three times, I have read it, reread it, and then deleted it. I have written it, sat on it, and then tonight I decided to pick up where I had left off and then ultimately completely re-write it. We have updated many of you as we have seen you in person, you have talked with our extended family or have sent us text messages. For those who we have not seen or talked to recently, we are doing great right now.
When I started this blog in June, it began as a way for me to update a large amount of people in an efficient manner. It was a way for me to tell the story once, so that I would not have to repeat it 25 times. It quickly became a way to express my thoughts and feelings, and to share some very vulnerable experiences that our family had, or that we were going through. Throughout this process, it also became a way for me to cope. When I started this blog, I had no idea that it would have the amount of readership that it has had, I had no idea that I would see people around our community and they would ask me why I hadn't updated the blog and I had no idea that others would forward this blog to individuals who were going through the same exact situation as us. We have had strangers reach out to us, to tell us about their brain tumor diagnosis, I have been invited to Facebook groups of small groups of people who are the support systems for their loved ones who have (or had) brain tumors and I have been told that our story has given others hope and faith. I am so glad that my words have been able to do that for so many. One big thing I have learned, brain tumors are not that uncommon!
Throughout the process, many of you asked how I was doing, how I was holding up, and if I needed anything. While those memories feel like eons away, I knew one thing the entire time... there was no other option but to be strong. Don't get me wrong, there were times that I cried, I cried big ugly tears, I cried in front of my children, I cried in front of strangers, I cried myself to sleep some nights.... but at the same time, I knew that my children saw me almost every day and I needed to be there for them. I knew that I needed to be able to give them hope and good news \, I also needed them to realize that I am human, and that humans feel emotion. I want both A and K to grow up in a world in which know that it is okay to express your emotions through tears, but that you also need to know when you need help. I want them to know that it is normal and okay for them to feel those emotions and others to feel those as well. Ultimately, I want both of them to understand how they can help those who have those big feelings, and what they can do for them.
It's funny how life works, and in the last few months, I have noticed it more than ever. Some people tell me that they are God winks, some people think that they are coincidences, for me they have been little reassurances that God has been there this entire time. At the end of May, we had a large virtual continuing education conference for our College and our alumni. During one of the sessions that I was monitoring, the presenter was talking about how to manage finances and relationships for business owners in the midst of a pandemic. The presenter spoke about the loss of their spouse several years previously, and spoke about the struggle that they went through raising children alone, and how one day they realized that they had to pull themselves together to be that rock for their small children, even though they were broken. The story stuck with me, I remember telling my co-worker who had been monitoring the other room about the impact that the presenter had on myself, and how honest and raw her conversation was with the audience, but how impactful it was, not just to me, but to others. I had no idea what our family was about to go through, but I remember thinking to myself what a strong and resilient individual that person was. I remember thinking to myself that if I ever had to go through what they did, I would want to remember their words of wisdom. While my outcome was very different, I have no doubt that the feelings of the unknown, loss, confusion and what the future might hold, were very similar. I thought of this presenter often over the last two months, and how their words have stuck with me throughout this time.
As for Kevin, he will be finishing up radiation in the next two weeks. He goes daily for a brief dosage. He has developed scar tissue, the hair on the right side of his head has fallen out where he receives the radiation and he is a little more tired in the evenings after going to work. Kevin reminds me daily that these side effects are a small price to pay for a big reward, and he is absolutely correct. He will have another MRI done in a few months to confirm that radiation has gone well. At this time, he has also been dismissed from the Neurosurgeon, and will only have follow ups with the radiation doctor.
It has been just two months, 8 weeks, less than 50 days since Kevin's operation. I am in constant awe at God's grace and mercy that he has given our family. It is so easy to look at all of the 'What If's' that could have happened, I have no doubt that God's plan for our family, and specifically, Kevin is much bigger that we can ever imagine at this time, but that it is part of his plan.
It has been easy to focus on all of the negativity in our news since March (who am I kidding, even before that). It has been easy to focus on all of the bad things that have happened to our family over the last few months and it could be easy to focus on all of the frustrations of starting school for Kennedy this fall. What I find ironic (and maybe that is not the right word), amongst all of this, is how easy it has been to see the blessings that are right in front of us. Obviously, Kevin being healthy and coming out of the entire situation is easy to recognize, but I have noticed the more subtle and quieter blessings. His level of interacting with A and K, his level of engagement with myself and his willingness to help around the house have increased tremendously. In turn, this has changed who I am. A few weeks ago my mom had commented to me that I have become a different person, and first I told her I was confused and that I didn't think that I had changed. In fact, I was a bit taken aback at her comment. The more that I have thought about it, and ruminated on that statement, the more she is correct. Maybe it is because I changed some medications that I take, maybe it is because what happens at home is vastly different from 6 months ago; regardless, it doesn't matter why, she is correct, I am different, I have been changed, and for the better. I find myself more upbeat, I find myself more willing to engage with others, I find myself saying hello to strangers in the hallways at work (maybe I do know them, and just don't recognize them with their facemark on). Ultimately, I have found myself with more energy mentally than I have before. For the first time, in a long time, I feel like the person who I used to be and who I am supposed to be.
Thank you all of you who have followed along on this journey, we couldn't have done it without your prayers, texts, calls and visits. You are all truly amazing and have blessed us.
